just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
