Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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