Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
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alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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