That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
