I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
