I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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