Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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