Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
