So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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