i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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