I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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