Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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