Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
