I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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