You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
