I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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