Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
