if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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