I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
