You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
