Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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