A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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