You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
