Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
COCAINE IS GR8
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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