I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
