I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
