Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
