And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
