I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just forgot I was standing up.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
