Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
