i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
