I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
