I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
