I think my fart just growled at me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have tasted many bathrooms
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
