You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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