Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
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Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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