Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
