I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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