Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
