I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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