Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
