if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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