If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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