Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I need to stop coming to work sober
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
