the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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