so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
