he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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