it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
