If that was your dad, he is hot
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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