i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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