It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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