and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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