Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
