he looks like a really good dad on facebook
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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