when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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